As a writer by nature, it’s easy for me to put something down on paper or to type something on the screen, but I know the difference between feeling divinely inspired and rambling on with nothing to say.  So, in all honesty, this post will be short.  I’m not feeling it.  Thoughts have come to me for blog posts, but I haven’t been making note, following through.  It’s time for some soul tending.

For me, the tide may have receded for a bit.  I have a chance to get things in order.  It’s time for me to be very present to the needs of my family, home and self.  After much work within the unconscious, I’m not surprised by this; we can’t stay underwater forever.  Now is the time to set some goals, make some plans and follow through.

The water’s still here.  My feet are still wet.  The well has not run dry.

How are you doing this day?

Life has a way of providing opportunities for us, opening a window or a door here and there.  We always have a choice of whether or not to follow the lead.

This past week was spring break for my kids, and in many ways, it was a spring break for me, too.  We didn’t go anywhere fancy.  I didn’t clean my house inside and out.  I really did nothing incredibly productive or fascinating, but I lived into every moment.

And spring, my friends, is a wonderful time to be aware.  The birds sing loudly, the daffodils and tree and shrub blossoms are giving their all, and the shades of green right now are enviable in their vitality.  The equinox brought us a gentle thunderstorm as our lullaby.

“Let the rain kiss you.
  Let the rain beat upon your head
     with silver liquid drops.
  Let the rain sing you a lullaby.”
         — Langston Hughes

Perhaps you went away for spring break or have busy plans; maybe you’re kids are just now in their break.  My wish for you is that wherever you are, you’re enjoying yourself, making the time to be fully aware and present.

“See how nature — trees, flowers, grass — grows in silence;
  see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence . . . .
   We need silence to be able to touch souls.”  — Mother Teresa

Quotes found in my “Day Book,” The Poetry of Nature 2009 Calendar by Jean Lowe and Greg Johnson — my first splurge for ’09.  It’s Spring, and I’m truly grateful to hear the resonating gratitude felt throughout humanity in the heartfelt quotes from beautiful people.

I’m finding it difficult to focus on that which must be done.  I’m caught in the mental quagmire of thinking about those who are faced with life-threatening illness and preparing myself for a weekend retreat.  Some are facing the reality of their mortality, and I am delighting in the vitality of my life, the blessings of my nurturing community and ability.

Life is full of these paradoxes, though.  There is birth and death every day, but this is just what we see with our limited vision.  If we could take our focus away from the blatant physical dimension, perhaps we would be able to sense the divine spark in everything, feel the Presence that is the source of life, imbuing us with the energy and very vitality that we describe as “life.”  Energy is neither created nor destroyed.

One of my responsibilities is to trust that all that unfolds has meaning, that ultimately, everything contributes to the greater good, even if I can’t see how.  My vision and understanding are finite, very limited.  If I allow myself to trust, however, I feel like my understanding is broadened; I feel hope.  One of my other responsibilities might be to help others sense this trust and hope.  Some might call it faith.

Whether our body is overtaken with cancer or if we have years stretched before us, the truth is that in every moment, we may not know the difference.  The truth is that the only thing that truly matters in every moment is that we love and love deeply with reckless abandon.  In that, there are no regrets.  And that is a responsibility we all have.

Today marks Day 4 of my Master Cleanse, the third time I’m trying it, hopefully the first time I actually make it through all 10 days.  I’m not doing it alone, though.  My husband and two other couples are doing it, along with some others.  Were it not for the support, I would have already quit.  My constitution is weak.  I dearly enjoy a good meal and am blessed to have the ability to provide such.

But do I need lavish meals?  No.  I want them.  I enjoy everything about preparing a meal, no matter how much I might complain.  I especially enjoy when the meal is shared, when I can provide nourishment to others.  During the Journey class I’m taking, we took our spiritual gifts inventory, and hospitality is definitely one of my gifts.

Having elaborate meals is a want, but being in relation to others may very well be a need.  Dinner parties give me the best of both worlds, and my husband and I are deciding to make this a regular part of our lives.  Our goal, however, is to prepare healthy meals.  We just need some more planning.  When I have a list of resources, I promise to share.

What other ways can we consciously see where our needs and wants combine?  What wants can we truly give up, do without?  Are all our needs being met?  We may think we want a space of our own, but isn’t it really a need if it improves the quality of our life?

It’s a difficult topic, determining what is crucial to our “quality of life.”  At the core, our needs are the same.  Our layers, though, begin to differ depending on where we live, our society, our livelihood, etc. 

What are we doing to improve our own quality of life?  What are we doing to improve the lives of others?

There’s this strange (to me) dichotomy in our society regarding health/fitness. Everyone needs to be healthy and look physically fit, but we find that it’s easier and much cheaper in the short term to eat poorly and devote our time to any given task or gadget instead of exercising.

Regardless of where you are with your new year’s resolution, it’s always a good time to put your intention on being well, living well.

My husband found what’s called the Ultimate Black Belt Challenge (UBBC), which is something our local dojo offers.  You set these incredible goals for yourself (basically for mind, body and spirit), and if you achieve them, you get your black belt (usually after paying a fee).  Well, originally we thought it was a challenge meant just for black belts, that it was a challenge for challenge’s sake, meant to improve yourself in every way.  (We didn’t read the letter well, I guess, because it’s quite clear.) 

No one in our family is a black belt in taekwondo or aikido, but we set some goals in all areas for each of us.  It’s easy to say what you’d like to do, who you would like to be.  It’s quite another to put your time where your mouth is.  With every day scheduled to the brim, how do you squeeze in a couple of hours for this and that?

That’s why it’s a challenge.  Do you stay up late to watch the great new movie, or do you get some sleep so you can get up early the next morning and get a productive start on the new day?  (FYI — last night we watched the movie.  Probably shouldn’t do that any more!)

My goals, total for the year:

• 160 hours of workout/exercise time (30 min/day)
• 12 books
• 250 hours in the garden
• 120 desserts (two or three/week)
• 30 meals out (doesn’t count meals at church)
• 25 Spanish days (goal is for family to learn Spanish)
• 100 hours family game time
• 25 hours of journaling
• 100 hours walk/bike/swim/hike
• 50 hours creative time

I’m going to be working on our chart.  I’ll share it when it’s done.  Put your creative energy to work today on living well!

That’s what I hope for this weekend — to enjoy myself and time with others.  I hope my dearest friend has a joyous birthday today, the merriment continuing throughout the weekend.  Yesterday was my brother-in-law’s birthday.  A healthy baby boy was born this week. . . . There is just so much to be grateful for.

I’m not under an illusion of security.  I hear the statistics.  I know the reality of suffering and its many faces. Yet each moment we choose whether we feed the fear or fuel the love.  Today, even in my complete spaced-out-ishness, I choose to love, to be loved.  Hopefully that choice will ease the suffering of someone in this world, even if it’s just my own.

I send love to you and yours, and I sincerely hope you do have a most wonderfully enjoyable weekend.

The kids are home for their second day, but at least today is a little more unplugged.  I let them watch movies yesterday thinking the power would go off, but it didn’t until almost midnight!

As the kids settle into various activities, I keep drifting to the windows, looking across the rooftops and at the now-splintered trees.  The evergreens seem to have more resilience, able to take the Dr. Seussian contortions, but the deciduous trees . . . ah, the poor trees.  There’s still the crack and snap and rush of falling ice to be heard as the melting water adds the proverbial straw, adding too much weight to the exhausted wood.  At least, that’s what I imagine.

There are times when I, too, let the elements accumulate upon me, surround me and weigh me down.  I sag and droop, losing enthusiasm and very nearly my hope.  When the sun does start to peek through the clouds, I feel the cold shroud falling away.  Sometimes I cannot help but absorb some of that which burdens me.  Sometimes it’s hard to let it all evaporate, allowing myself to eventually regain my stature.  Sometimes I want to just absorb it all and snap and break and fall away.

But I don’t.  I guess I’m more like the evergreens I see on the horizon.  I can take it, and I do.  I may be taken for granted at times, even by my very self, but it’s up to me to decide how I weather all storms.

The sun is always there.  We just have to have faith and remember to keep the windows open to our heart and soul.

With much delight and warmth of heart, I have resumed what my dear friend and I call “artist’s way.”  Actually, it started out using Julia Cameron’s Artist’s Way, but in the five+ years since, it’s been many things — mainly our soul time.  A phone call a week, some quiet time, conversation, feedback — what every woman needs.

This time is sacred and confidential, but with an open heart I believe I can share lessons I’ve learned with sincere thanks given to my friend for her insight.  This week’s lesson: psychosomatic illness.

psychosomatic (per Merriam-Webster):

1
: of, relating to, concerned with, or involving both mind and body <the psychosomatic nature of man
– Herbert Ratner>

2
: of, relating to, involving, or concerned with bodily symptoms caused by mental or emotional disturbance <psychosomatic symptoms> <psychosomatic medicine>

There can be medical reasons behind a migraine.  If I go to a medical doctor, I’m certain I could come away with a prescription and repeat visits until a diagnoses is made.  But I can also listen to my body, keep a journal of the onsets, be aware of my surroundings and circumstances and see if there’s not a pattern.  I can take into account where my mind and emotions are and see how they might be playing out through my body.  After all, isn’t that what holistic care is about?

Undoubtedly I needed some rest.  Two a.m. is not a sustainable bed-time.  There are aspects of my life I need to be more aware of.  There are aspects of my life I need not take for granted.  I hope that in your life, you don’t have to be stricken before awareness is yours.  Our bodies are wise.  We need to listen and take care of them.

For me, procrastination is an issue, but when I really need down-time (the time when responsibilities are on hold, the dishes can wait and I don’t have to think about anything seriously), I tend to pop in a movie.  Let’s just say I watched quite a few movies over the weekend.  I even took a mommy date to the movies, alone.

The movies are over and the responsibilities resumed, but I notice a common theme in the movies I watched and the movies I love most.  They’re all about women’s lives, the emotions, the trials, the triumphs, the friends and the families.

Driving home from seeing Four Christmases, I thought about movie moms.  Now, in all honesty, I had also just watched The Women at home before I left (since it was due back that day).  When was the last time a movie truly captured what being the average mother is like?  And by average mother, I mean someone who doesn’t have six-figure income, a live-in housekeeper (or one at all) or a nanny.  When was the last time a major motion picture actually depicted a true birth and what a mom really looks like hours after the baby is born, the awkward first attempts at breastfeeding?  (Though I must give thanks to Four Christmases for giving breastfeeding such prominence, despite the negative connotations.)

I’m grateful that we have films like The Business of Being Born and Orgasmic Birth to highlight true birth.  I’m sure there are films out there about real life, true mothering, that I just haven’t seen because they haven’t made it into mainstream.  It’s too easy just to grab the latest blockbuster than to research a truly good film that might actually invoke thought during the movie.

That’s not to say I don’t appreciate the drama of the movies, that which adds fiction or exaggerates an aspect of life to make it more interesting, comedic and/or romantic.  Honestly, I don’t think I would have loved Under the Tuscan Sun so much had the movie just followed the book.  And even movies about ridiculously wealthy women, I suppose, gives me insight into another way of life.  Perhaps some day I might shop in Saks or drive a Lexus, but I won’t consider myself a failure if that day never comes.  After all, why watch a movie about real life when we have our own lives to live?

Next time I movie binge, I’ll try to remember that the movies I watch will affect me in some way, no matter how tuned out I may think I am.  That’s just the way energy works.  Hopefully I’ll be encouraged to live even better.

full disclosure of movies watched this weekend in order of my preference:
Amelie (in foreign films section)
The Women (the new version w/ Meg Ryan as Mary Haines)
Four Christmases
Becoming Jane

the kids watched:
Horton Hears a Who
The Wild
Aloha Scooby Doo (because my kids’ life isn’t complete without some Scooby)

To make this coming year’s lists, I have to know where I’m going, what my priorities are and what I’ll be doing.  For me, I work in categories.

• Home

Cleaning : Chore lists are going to be key this year.  The kids do better when they know what they’re supposed to do and don’t feel like we’re just making up things for them to do.  I’m going to listen to FlyLady.  She’s got a good thing going, and if I want to keep things decluttered around here, I’ll have to take it seriously.  Of course, one of my favorite magazines has wonderful, printable resources — visit Real Simple for some real inspiration (there are categories and lists for everything, so make sure your ink cartridge is full!).

Outside :  I want a productive garden this year.  I’m going to outline my tasks and actually try to get them done this year.  I’ll be looking to our local extension office for guidance.  Yours is a valuable resource, too.  I’d also like to check out this book on “Edible Estates” and implement some designs therein!

• Family

Kids :  It’s mainly their activities I need to keep track of to plan my chauffeur schedule.  Also needed are necessary home practice times.  We’re also working with Earth Scouts.  Even if it’s just our family, we want to make this a part of our kids’ awareness, so we’ll have at least monthly activities.  Asking the older kids what their priorities are makes sure that we’re all on the same page and will reduce friction later.

Parents : We’re busy, too. Aikido, BirthNetwork, church, etc., all take time.  We need to make sure we coordinate our times or have a sitter available.  Calendar sync, anyone?

• Food

Menu, menu, menu : Preparation, communication and dedication.  No junk food this year.  I have an extra 40 pounds that tells me I can and must just say “no.”    I’ll defer this back to a previous post.  Ideas are always welcome, and I found another site (SavingDinner) I’ll have to explore.  There are always wonderful cookbooks, too, and the bookstores usually have a plethora on the bargain book tables.

• Work (for me, this is mostly birth-related and/or volunteer-based)

Discernment :  This year is the year I decide what I’m doing with my life.  This is almost as important as what I’m being.  Both are crucial, will take time and insight.  I have clues; it’s the putting it all together part and implementation that are the kicker.  I also have to decide if I’m doing too much, not allowing myself enough time to be.  I hope I’m not the only one with this issue!  Keeping a list of all I’m involved with and committed to truly helps me be fully aware and not fall too far behind.

• Self-nurturing

Exercise. Creativity. Retreats. Dates. Self-discipline.  While this category is self-explanatory, it is also the one that most often falls to the wayside.  This is the one where we need absolutely everyone around us to cheer us on, help keep us motivated.  This is probably where our daily schedule comes in more handy than a list.  We deserve at least an hour a day, right?

May we all be inspired to be organized and motivated.  May we go forth and continue doing all the good work we do.