There’s a book called The Feminine Face of God which I haven’t yet read but hope to do so soon. Perhaps one day I will write a version along the same lines on my own. My reasons for doing either or both are a long time in the making but take me along the same path.
I admit, first of all, that I take spirituality very seriously. I also admit that I feel comfortable with organized religion — most of the time. When I feel discomfort, I move around until I find my next niche. Impermanence has served my journey well. Until recently, anyway.
I confessed to my husband I was feeling what I termed “spiritual discomfort.” I was going to services, helping with Sunday School, playing my role, but I wasn’t getting fulfilled. He told me I was out of his league trying to talk such with him. Then I dream that I tell our rector that I’m not satisfied. After discussion with a dear friend, I realize that the dream takes me to God, if I can be in the peace and calm that is God’s presence and grace. Finally pieces start coming together when the rector gives his sermon on one of the following Sundays. In the sermon he talks about a friend of his who sees God as an almighty judge and thus lives with judgement. He spoke about Gandhi who believed all were One and could exist nonviolently, living peacefully as one of a greater One. He mentions Christ whose God was love, so Christ lived love for all. Then he says Thomas Merton believed the divine was transparent through all beings and things, thus living a life transparent to the divine. Crucially, the rector then asks, “What do you believe? What do you worship?” Because surely what we believe in so much to worship will show through in our lives.
So I wonder about what I worship. I can’t even pick a favorite book, let alone an image of God or a firm belief in God. I wonder then if maybe this isn’t part of my discontent. I’m a person who likes to have a plan and go with it; I don’t even mind if it’s a draft — just let’s get started. I’d rather make changes while doing than mull over probabilities. I realize that in the past few months I’ve been modifying the Nicene Creed, adding some feminine pronouns in lieu of existing masculine ones. That has brought some relief. What I ultimately wonder, though, is if I fully believe in a feminine side of God. For the longest now I’ve just envisioned God as a divine energy, giving everything life and substance. Can I alter my view of the trinity to see the Holy Spirit as the Holy Mother? Is that sacrilegious? Obviously, my meetings with my spiritual director come at a good time, if they’re not overdue.
While I have many questions that I don’t expect to be answered anytime soon, I do understand a few things. I think it’s a healthy process to question and grow and change, even if eventually we change back, so long as we feel blessed in doing so. I’ve followed my journey consciously for years, and I realize that natural, feminine spirituality is part of my vein of gold. I feel I have issues with worshiping anything or anyone, so defining an image for what I “worship” is difficult. However, I honestly believe that seeking a maternal divine is like looking for home; it feels right and good.
So, I’ll continue my work as a mother and writer. I’ll carry on with my housework, children, hobbies, gardening, etc. I’ll wonder, if not marvel, at how all these acts and the consciousness therein bring me closer to the feminine side of God so that I might embody it, too. That will be good enough for now.