I knew I would be going with the kids and my mother-in-law on a little vacation, but I expected to take some work with me.  I did take my laptop and some paper work I need to do.  But wouldn’t you know it.  I couldn’t get the wireless to work, and by the end of the day I was nearly too tired to think clearly.

Sometimes you have to take time off for what it is. TIME OFF.

Of course, my maternal on-duty sign is stuck in the
on
position; that’s to be
expected.  After all, the vacation was something more for the kids — amusement park, go carts, bumper boats, too much sugar.  Summer vacations are usually for kids, designed to give them something to look forward to and to have something to say they did this summer when they go back to school.  In the next couple of years, I hope to do something a little less conventional and a lot more memorable.

My time off came in the form of not having time or energy to put toward my external commitments.  No blogging, no e-mailing, no calling, no writing, no organizing, no cleaning, and no cooking (well, those last two fall under the maternal hat and the break from which I am grateful!).  I gave my kids nearly 100% of my attention, and I notice that while they didn’t act much differently, by the end of the day and the end of the vacation, I notice a difference.

I’m the type of mother that has to do more than just mother my children.  My commitments also lie outside my family and mostly nurture myself.  Call me selfish if you will.  I’m okay with that, especially if it means that during the time I am focused on my kids it makes me a better quality mother.  Consider your commitments, the quality of your mothering.  What makes you a better mother?  Do you need time to step back and evaluate?  What best rejuvenates and nurtures you?

So, after a bit of time away, I come back to my laptop, my pile of notebooks and am ready to get re-centered and aligned.  I have some organizing to do today . . . after the phone calls, grocery shopping, lunch and vet visit, of course, yet before an evening meeting.

All in a day’s work for a stay-at-home-mom.

When I was younger, my mom didn’t like to be called mother.  She said it reminded her of Mommie Dearest.  It makes me smile now, not because it’s funny but because I truly understand.  Not everyone can relate, but I know there are many who can.  A mother’s greatest fear can be that of harboring anger toward her children, being out of control, going off in a fit of rage against those she loves most dearly.

Fortunately here in the States, we have Social Services to help children in violent situations.  Fortunately the number of counselors and psychologists abound, as well as help lines and forums.  But most of these come around after the action has been done.  Shouldn’t we be focused on prevention?

We’re still on summer break, of course, and my kids are testing my patience daily.  While I’m not about to reach for a wire hanger, there are times when I wonder about it’s effectiveness.  Why do I even have to wonder?  Why do I get to a point of seeming desperation?  What does it take to get some cooperation?

Then I remember why my children are my children.  They are my teachers, too.  They show me the side of myself that I do not see or will not see.  Each time I reach out to them with compassion instead of yelling at them in anger, I’ve taken another step, set another positive example.  Each time I do act in anger, I take two steps back, for now they have a negative example which seems to make a greater impression than the positive ones.  Now I will have to face the consequence of them using the same behavior with others.  (Of course, I’m not about to take accountability for all their actions; I really don’t know where this stuff comes from sometimes!) Such great mirrors children are.  They’re here to help us learn, and the best way to learn is to practice.

I would like to say that I’ve completed the practice sessions and that it’s all smooth sailing now, but that isn’t the case. The good news is that I am aware of what is going on, I am conscious of our behaviors and tendencies.  I can see them building, see them coming.  It’s a good place to practice mindfulness.

This is a side of parenting that a lot of people don’t talk about it open conversation.  It’s a darker side, I suppose, because it’s a darker side of human nature.  But our true nature is not to hurt others in any way, shape or form.  We are here to love and support each other, and I believe that with our children, this should be most obvious.  Perhaps that’s why it can be the hardest, because it is so simple.

Remember that what hurts a child doesn’t have to be given with force.  Glaring, ignoring, degrading, humiliating are all hurtful.  One or two words.

Love yourself truly, wholly, deeply, and then pour forth that love to others.  Your children will love you for it, and you will be the dearest mommy in the world . . . you already are.

For your craftiness today, I’ll share a couple of tips you may already know.  Both involve good old-fashioned reusing and will help save you some time.

Simplify your garden chores by reducing the amount of weeds with newspaper, preferably black and white only and no slick ads.  Some people are fond of lasagna gardening.  While I think it seems like a great method, I’ve taken a different approach and just put newspaper down beneath the straw.  This way, if the co-op gives me hay instead (like they have twice now — “fool me once . . .” ), at least the grass that grows isn’t as embedded in the soil as it is when there is no paper underneath.  Consider it a biodegradable alternative to the weed barriers out there, and be sure to add more regularly.

If you’re head-long into organizing like I was last week with my friend here to help me and need some baskets or magazine holders, just use a cardboard box or shoebox.  Take a box-cutter (or scissors) and trim the box down to the size you want, angling downward to make it easier to get into and out of.  I have a few of these revamped boxes in one of my cupboards now, holding the small miscellanies and larger folders, keeping everything orderly.  Don’t forget to label if you end up closing the box.  (Thanks, Patricia!)

Feel free to share your own helpful tips and hints, especially if they’re so cost effective that they’re free!

I watered the plants one day last summer, for they didn’t look like they could wait any longer for the rain that promised to come any minute but hadn’t for days.  Little sprinkles just don’t quench a great thirst, though, any more than little pecks of a kiss give justice to great passion.  So I watered the plants.  Within 15 minutes it was raining and continued to rain on and off for most of the afternoon.  I joked with my kids that I watered the plants just so it would rain, kind of like washing the car to make it rain.

Almost as much as the plants needed water, I needed some fresh air.  We had turned on the air conditioning just a couple of weeks before, so the home was sealed off from the natural flow.  As good as it is to keep the humidity off our pictures and portraits, there’s something to be said for being in tune with nature as the temperature and humidity rise and fall.  I was grateful for my fresh air that morning  and enjoyed the once limp flowers rising tall again.

As for the rain barrels that provide the water for my watering cans, they were overfull when I began my chore.  I should have known they would be filled again soon.  With our summers around here, though, you never know if it’s going to rain for a week or come a drought.  I shouldn’t have worried. 

As with all things, if we hoard or collect, we can become stale and stagnant.  It’s much better to be useful and beautiful in due course and then be renewed when the time comes. 

I remember the story of the proud Zen student asking the teacher why he hadn’t experienced enlightenment, especially since he knew so much about the ways of a good monk.  It was tea time, and the teacher poured the student some tea as he listened.  And he kept pouring.  The cup was overflowing, and finally the student asked the teacher why he didn’t stop.  The teacher asked how he could teach when the student’s mind, like the cup, was so full.

Hopefully I didn’t completely destroy the beautiful story, for it is one of my favorites.  (If you enjoy good, quality dharma talks and Zen stories, please visit Zen Reflections.)  I think of this story, though, when I feel like I’m all used up, when like the flowers and plants, I’m wilted.  It’s not entirely a bad thing.  When the rain comes, when the energy returns, the sense of vitality is incomparable, the possibilities endless.  Best to use while it’s fresh and make room for more than worry about what may or may not happen, wasting what is already at hand.  Plus, I’d hate to miss an important lesson, not able to catch it because I thought I already had enough.

May your days be fresh and fruitful.

I daresay that none of us would put a monetary value on our family.  The truth is that our family is invaluable, but how often do we take them for granted?  Not only do I mean our immediate family but also our extended family.  When was the last time you gave thanks for each person and truly thought about all you have to be grateful for?

On this, my 100th post, I simply want to encourage you to think about who you consider family, think about your role in the family and give thanks for everyone in your family.

And to my own family, my husband and children, parents, brother, brothers- and sister-in-law, grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins, old friends and new friends, thank you for all that you bring to my life.

When the to-do list is cresting higher than ever, the mess ever-spreading and the budget going downhill, you have to call in reinforcements.  I pray you have some near you!  It’s also a great time to think outside the box, get creative and, above all, keep a positive outlook.  One slip on the steep, slippery slope of negativity and it’s a lot harder to climb back up.  What do you need from others?  What do you have to share?

I have received several e-mails from an acquaintance, soon to be friend, offering her services.  She strives toward right livelihood and seeks to share her gifts with others.  Every time I read an e-mail, I would think, “I would love your help, but I can’t afford it.”  That’s not the energy I seek to send out to the Universe, but it’s what I did.

Until today.

I replied to her latest e-mail, telling her I wanted help but didn’t have financial means to pay her.  Perhaps we could trade?  BINGO!

And, as destiny would have it, another friend called today.  I have services to offer her family.  She’ll trade for babysitting my kids.  Wahoo!

My house shall be decluttered, and I will get time to myself when needed.  The cost is negligible, and the growing friendship and trust invaluable.  Remember that it’s never too late to make new friends, that often others are seeking authentic relationships, too.  The bonus is that you both benefit from each other.

Consider your gifts.  Yes, you have many.  What do you truly love to do?  Are there others who can benefit from your talents?  Share them.  Share them widely and broadly.  Don’t hide your talents away, for the only way for them to grow is by nurturing them, giving them the value and attention they deserve.  But also don’t forget that your gifts come from a Source greater than we can comprehend, so be grateful.

We are all richly and abundantly blessed.

Today marks Day 1 of my Master Cleanse.  I promise I won’t carry on about it, but if I need an outlet, I might add some in the comments sections here.  I mentioned before that I was considering a cleanse.  My body has been giving me cues that I need to do something.  Just as with my house, I need a drastic makeover . . . or, rather, a start-over.

The most challenging part will be cooking for the family while I drink my “lemonade,” preparing snacks while I drink water, facing meal times with my glass and watching the rest of my family eat.  To get everyone to the table, we have to sit together.  Chaos ensues if one person gets up.  (Think of The Breakfast Club — “If he gets up, we’ll all get up.  It’ll be anarchy!”)

Sometimes we have to take drastic measures for our benefit.  My kids have lost all their toys before and got back only half.  They never missed the other half.  I need to seriously consider my personal habits and decide which I need to keep and which need to go.  I need to do the same for all the stuff hidden in my kitchen cabinets.

In the end, I’ll have a new perspective and a new lesson learned.  In the meantime, I’ll have lots of time to do other things while I’m trying not to think about food.

Remember back in February when we made some homemade laundry detergent?  I promised I’d make the gel variety, and the time has come.  A trip to the local grocer to pick up some more washing soda, and the kids and I will be on our way to making a big bucket of goo.

The recipe comes from The Simple Dollar, and it uses the same ingredients as the powdered variety.  The process differs, though, and since it makes a larger batch (you need a 5 gallon bucket with a lid), you won’t be making it every week as with the powdered version.  (More comments and photos to come . . .)

While we’re on topic of “green” living, please check out 350.org.  Have you checked out your own carbon footprint? Like I’ve said before, we all have a role to play in protecting our earth, and often it’s better for our budgets, too.

Everything and everyone are “going green” these days, or so it seems.  I think this is great, don’t get me wrong, but in the haste to get on the eco-train, I believe some quality may be getting left behind, the truth getting stifled along the way.

To illustrate, take an issue a couple of years ago.  Stuck in as a rider to the 2006 Agricultural Appropriations Bill (a bill for which most congresspeople won’t vote against) is a section that includes a lowering of the standards for organic certification.  At the same time, the Organic Consumer’s Association was warning the organic regulars about the issue, warning that corporations were supporting the bill so that they, too, could enter the organic market, so long as a few ingredients were okay to use.  The bill passed, and now the USDA Organic stamp is seen more often, especially on foods processed by major corporations.  Check your local mega-store shelves.  A lot more “organic” products, but at what cost?  Now the same mega-stores demand quantity from farmers used to providing quality, but said stores want to set their low price.  Do the small farmers have much of a choice?  To meet the demands, will their quality be the same as before?  Will their quality of life be the same?  Their code of ethics?

A long rant, I know, but it’s an important issue to my family.  Our budget is tight, and we’re having to pull the reins even tighter these days.  We’re going to re-read Your Money or Your Life, read our Simple Dollar RSS feeds daily, and put suggestions into practice.  In doing so, however, we know that chemical-, additive-, carcinogen-free goods are what we want for our family, so that is high on our priority list.  So is education and right living.

Is this easy?  No.  Media would have you go to the store, driving the same vehicles, using the same gas, buying your same products (though now with an organic stamp on them) and spending, spending, spending.  Don’t think about it too much, just “buy healthier.”  If you do this, you will spend a fortune and go back to your old ways because you can’t afford it . . . unless, of course, you’re very affluent, in which case you especially need to think about what you are really doing.

We all have a role to play in preserving our planet.  Our kids need to learn the facts, the truths that are out there.  They need to know where things come from — from the clothes they wear to the food they eat to the information they receive — and not just from major corporate sponsors.  They need to know their power in their community.  They need to see us, their parents, doing what is right and playing a part in setting up a better future for them so that when
it’s their time, they will feel
empowered to create the world they want to live in.  This
is why we devote time as
Earth Scouts facilitators; the program encourages and
practices these principles.

Do all kids care?  Aren’t they happy to eat their value meals, play their games, watch their t.v.?  What do you see around you?  How many parents do you know who are getting involved in our current crises?  Are you honestly surprised by the children’s behavior?

We all have to wake up.  We can’t just believe what we see on t.v. and read in the newspapers.  We have to let our consciousness rise.  We have to listen to the small voice within that tells us what is right.  We have to act on what is right so that voice will get louder until it makes it hard to do what is easy and often not in our best interest.

We have to forgive ourselves.  We’ve let ourselves become numb.  We let ourselves be fed untruths.  We have to forgive ourselves . . . our parents . . . our teachers.

We have to pray, read, learn, grow, work and awaken every day.  True sustainability can happen, but it will only happen one individual at a time.  It’s hard but possible.  Listen to the small voice within, the Spirit that connects you to others, to the earth, to all.  Do what is right, taking one small step at a time.

I’m walking with you.

Today, my husband and I share our tenth wedding anniversary.  For a couple of young folk, being married for a decade is a big deal.  Not only does it mean that we’ve made it longer than most marriages in our country, but with every passing year, we’re getting closer to having spent more time in our lives with each other than as a single.  Do I have any secrets to share?  Newfound wisdom?  The truth is that life holds all things before us.  It’s just up to us to see what we will see, discover the reality that we choose.

As I lay sleepy in bed this morning, my husband shared his own reflection of our ten years together (though we’ve been together eleven and a half) as he hurriedly put on his socks and shoes.  We’ve been through much, watched each other grow and change, never fought or yelled at one another and continue to grow in our respect and deep love for each other.  We are partners in our journey together, and we have a conscious choice as to whether or not we enjoy our time or make each other miserable.  Fortunately for us, we enjoy good times together, with or without the kids.  Yet we also respect each other’s space.  Sometimes a romantic evening is sitting in bed together reading our own books.  At our pace these days, being in the same room, quietly doing our own work while the children sleep, is bonding time for us!

Some say that their marriages dwindled after the children left the nest.  Suddenly couples find that they don’t have anything to talk about with each other, nothing in common.  While I can see how this might happen, here’s what I’m doing to prevent this breakdown — keeping my own interests and sharing them with my husband.  This doesn’t mean that he’s involved in my activities, knows or understands them completely.  He does, however, have an idea of what I’m doing.  I tell him what meetings I’m going to, which moms/dads I’m hanging out with.  I treasure the nights we share an evening beverage and just check in with one another, even if I’m not sure what to say because I can’t exactly communicate where I am; we’re just together, and for the moment, that’s where we need to be.

It would appear we have a pretty stereotypical marriage since I stay at home and he goes off to work all day.  However, he doesn’t expect me to be subordinate to him; even the thought makes me smile.  Definitely, we have a mutual respect and sharing of the load when it comes to caring for the children and the home.  We each do what we can, when we can, and hope for the best.

But that’s true for life, and what is marriage but the joining of two in life together?  As we dance along, we try not to tread on each other’s toes.  We don’t have to be clinging to each other the whole time, for we know that eventually we’ll come back together and find our rhythm again.  We may be awkward and clumsy at times, but as we get older, our dance will only get better.  I imagine us in our 90s doing a beautiful waltz.

Happy Anniversary.   xoxoxo